Janelle Monae for Bond!

(Alternate titles: Janelle Monaes are Forever, On Her Majesty's Janelle Monae, GoldJanelleMonae, The Spy who JanelleMonaed Me, etc.)

Oh, James Bond. I don't know who doesn't love a good old fashioned overall heinously misogynistic tale of derring-do set in several improbable locations with at least one giant, improbable killer weapon. My roommate Marie and I certainly do. In fact, Marie sent me a mix with all of the James Bond theme songs for my workaday pleasure. And let me tell you, drafting tweets is certainly far more exciting when backed by a chorus of "View to a Kill" by Duran Duran.

Did you know: there's a new Bond film coming out! It's called Skyfall and it stars Daniel Craig as everyone's favorite sandy haired 007. It's shaping up to be an excellent movie, with one exception: rumor has it that the studio is in talks with Adelle and Michael Buble to perform the theme song.

Here's the thing. James Bond songs are unique, and the good ones have a similar quality. They're epic! They have a ton of brass! They're sexy! Most of the best ones are belted by awesome women! Remember Shirley Bassey singing Goldfinger and Diamonds are Forever? Of course you do. Here, listen to it while you read the remainder of this post:

That's not to say Adelle is not an awesome woman who can belt (she is) or that I wouldn't like to hear Michael Buble cover Tom Jones's Thunderball (I would). I just want to know who in Hollywood I need to bribe to get them to hire Janelle Monae instead. My reasons are outlined below.

1. Janelle Monae can SING.

Her range is three and a half octaves! Can you even imagine? No, you can't, because your head would explode from trying to contain all the awesome.

AND, even more than that, she can sing in a variety of styles, including the unique 1960s spy sexy soul/jazz/brassy genre that I am going to call "Bondy." Each of her songs is a bit Bondy, but the most Bondy is BabopbyeYa, but it's, like, seven minutes long. This is why I did not embed it, even though I wanted to.

BECAUSE EVERYONE SHOULD BE LISTENING TO JANELLE MONAE ALL THE TIME.

Besides, as she said in Blues and Soul:

"I mean, in terms of influence it encompasses all the things I love - scores for films like ‘Goldfinger’ mixed with albums like Stevie Wonder’s ‘Music Of My Mind’ and David Bowie’s ‘Ziggy Stardust’, along with experimental hip hop stuff like Outkast’s Stankonia.’"

Did you keep reading after she listed Goldfinger as her first major influence for her album? Yes? WHY? WHY ARE YOU NOT ON THE PHONE DEMANDING THAT MGM IMMEDIATELY HIRE JANELLE MONAE?

2. She ROCKS. 
Honestly? Adele is great. Like, really great. I love her! Girl has soul. But she doesn't, you know, rock. And do I even need to make the case that Michael Buble does not rock?

This is Michael Buble attempting (and failing) to rock.

And the Daniel Craig plays the new James Bond in a way that is simultaneously sexy, and deep, and funny... and he kind of rocks. Speaking of, do you know who else rocks?

Janelle Monae. Period.

3. Janelle Monae is about to have a huge year.
According to her Wikipedia page, and the source cited in the Wikipedia page, Janelle Monae is looking to release two full albums and possibly a movie (or series of music videos?) this year. She's touring with the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Right now, there is nothing this woman couldn't do. Hollywood would be an idiotic and slow trundling beast to NOT make a bet on her. (Disclaimer: everyone knows that Hollywood IS an idiotic and slow trundling beast, but seriously, dudes. Do you want your opening credits to be worth the cost of admission alone? THEN HIRE JANELLE MONAE. Hire her like your life depended on it.)

4. Janelle Monae can totally rock a tux.


Seriously, have you SEEN this woman in a tux? It's her trademark uniform. And let me tell you, she looks DAMN fine in it. Damn fine.

Just look at that! I'll bet you were confused for a second. I'll bet you thought to yourself. "Huh! I know one of these people is a young Sean Connery of early James Bond fame, and the other one is Janelle Monae, a young breakout star known for her incredible vocal range, intense performances, and indefatigable energy, but I don't know which is which! They both look so good in a tux!"

Well, let me tell you something: IT DOESN'T MATTER. Nobody is going to accidentally hire Sean Connery to sing a Bond theme song.

5. It would make me really, really, unbelievably happy

That has to count for something, right?

6. I would be willing to settle for Janelle Monae starring in the next James Bond movie. As Bond. Janelle Bond. 

I realize that this is not really a reason so much as it's a way for me to hedge my bets. Because, here's the deal. I realize that Bond is a fundamentally British character, but is there a law somewhere that says Bond has to be a white male? Who can't sing? Also, is there anything in this world more fun than making Ian Fleming roll over in his grave? (Answer: absolutely not.)

It's time for us to have a female Bond. It's time for us to have a black Bond. It's time, quite simply, for Janelle Monae to be the next Bond.

But wait, you're saying. Wouldn't it be better for Janelle Monae to reprise Grace Jones's role as May Day from View to a Kill? 

Good call on the similar hair, other person I'm talking to. But in every other way, NO. Janelle Monae is not a villain, and she certainly won't be playing a maniacal foil to Christopher Walken's baby Nazi. (...I'm pretty sure, anyway. Reality seems to get fuzzy around Christopher Walken.)

In conclusion, MGM should be on the phone with Janelle Monae right now, despite the fact that it's 1am on a Friday morning. It's only 10pm on the West Coast, and just barely midnight in Kansas. She'd totally take your call, studio execs. And allow me to gracefully and preemptively accept on her behalf.

After all, she already has the tux.