Chair: Indiana Jones
The Department of Adventure History seeks to educate students in tracing the human story from antiquity forward. History is fraught with puzzles: inconsistencies here, a missing artifact there, an ancient pyramid inhabited by flesh-eating zombies further on. This graduate-level course of study equips the explorers of tomorrow with the necessary skills and guidance they need to survive. With a dual focus on the theory and practice of adventuring, completion of this course enables adventurers with the methods necessary to complete vital missions: both the ability to “get to a library” and draw from primary source material to efficiently research a conundrum, but also requires a high level of competence in piloting, vermin control, and weapon use.
The Major Program
The Major Program focuses on three primary fields: research, survival, and skill. Majors are required to complete courses in all three areas, as well as field work in each. A “Badass” level of expertise is required in at least one of the fields for completion, though students are strongly encouraged to pursue Badass levels for all three.
The Minor Program
Adventure History also offers a two-year course of study. Students are required to specialize on one of the three areas of focus. This enables students to gain sufficient expertise to become trusty sidekicks, a skill in high demand. This foreshortened program, however, does not allow the student to become fully competent in all areas, leaving the graduate prone to logical errors, obsessions, and wearing heels.
Practicum Program
Adventure history has a variety of useful practical applications. As such, the department encourages students to participate in a practicum. Past practica have involved paleontological and DNA work on a small island run by an Irishman, archaeological recovery sites in many locations worldwide, and art history and restoration.
Honors
Instead of “honors,” this program prefers the use of the term “badass.” We find this term more indicative of what we seek in a graduate.
Courses
ADVHIST 102—Introduction to Art and Artifacts
Before you begin, you must know that which you seek. Covers all major artifacts, including the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, the One Ring™, the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch, the crown jewels, and the pink panther diamond, as well as many significant works of art. Course includes studies of more modern and highly desirable artifacts, such as the master kilogram, Elvis’s guitar, and Iraq’s WMDs.
ADVHIST 110—Classical Languages
The language sequence is designed to give the student of adventure history a grounding in the languages necessary to complete their voyages. Every adventure historian must maintain a satisfactory level of proficiency in Greek, Latin, and Hebrew. Aramaic is optional.
ADVHIST 111—Weapons of Opportunity
When an adventure historian finds him- or herself unarmed and face-to-face with an armed opponent, the first priority is acquire a weapon. This course covers the basics: how to disable enemies with pen ink squirts, knitting needles, pocket knives, screwdrivers, broken jagged beer bottles, and cats, and how to effectively use a diverse range of traditional weapons, including but not limited to swats.
ADVHIST 112—Introduction to Villains
Who knows what evil lurks in the heart of men? After completion of the course, the student should be able to identify and investigate all sorts of villainy, both classical and modern. After all, they don’t all have black mustaches anymore.
ADVHIST 135—Poker Face
A good dramatic background is essential in any pursuit. Although this is an elective course, it is strongly recommended to all aspiring adventure historians. Anyone dealing with villains or Nazis will find it comes in handy rather often.
ADVHIST 203—Mastery of Transportation
This course begins with the basics: horseback riding, camelback riding, and an introduction to automotive transportation in a variety of settings. Whether you are driving a jeep through a marshy swampland or riding a camel bareback across the deserts of Jordan, this course will help you get to the destination safely, every time. Completely unlike RyanAir, in other words.
ADVHIST 210—Ancient Languages
Not all treasure maps are written in English. This course is designed to educate the students in hieroglyphics and pictograms, as well as Gaelic and Sanskrit. Though we concentrate on the areas most likely to have the most highly valuable artifacts, cursory studies of Babylonian, ancient Chinese calligraphy, and Incan knot tying are included.
ADVHIST 211—Dealing with Vermin
When the time comes to be lowered into a smelly tunnel chock-full of an ecologically untenable oversize rat population, students will be able to say “Pishaw” to the squirmy, furry bodies and proceed with the task at hand. This course is highly recommended, as screaming like a child when presented with creepy-crawlies is not only annoying, but also distracting and inefficient. Required for any blonde females.
ADVHIST 236—Geography and Tracking
Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Learn to use satellite imagery, GPS, and good old fashioned huntin’ techniques to travel quickly and efficiently from plot point to plot point.
ADVHIST 258—Jaunty Style and Roguish Good Looks
Striking fear into the hearts of enemies requires not only a proficient knowledge of the finer points of Adventure History, but also a certain je ne sais qois. This quality comes only from careful study and application of skills learned in this course. Also guaranteed to make you popular with the ladies/men.
ADVHIST 303—Advanced Transportation Studies
Once the student has mastered the basics of locomotion, the course of study moves naturally to the more advanced modes: helicopter piloting, small aircraft proficiency, and work with a variety of different parachutes.
ADVHIST 304—Introduction to Symbology
An advanced study in the underlying meanings of the works of the masters, especially da Vinci. Students also learn to compare almost anything to a vagina.
ADVHIST 310—Modern Languages
Any successful Adventure Historian ought to be able to ask for directions to the nearest burial site/ancient monastery/pagan temple in any country on the globe. To that end, we focus on Spanish, Chinese, Hindi, French, Arabic, and Russian.
ADVHIST 311—Endurance and Strength
It is not only a pure heart that gives one the strength of ten men. It is also a complete and difficult fitness regimen that will give the student the extra edge to beat out that pesky giant rolling rock of doom.
ADVHIST 345—Thwarting Thugs: Psychology, Art, Theory, and Practice
Not all of the enemies with which an adventure historian will come into contact will be master villains. Most are simply elevated thugs who just need someone to love. The student will also learn how to kill them with the utmost speed and precision.
ADVHIST 356—Defying Death
‘Nuff said.
ADVHIST 450—Grail Quest
The capstone course, a student must begin a modern-day grail quest. Join the likes of King Arthur, Sir Galahad, Indiana Jones, Bran, Sir Bors, and Joseph of Arimathea as you seek the grail and find, ultimately, a deeper truth about yourself.
Aggressive Seduction Techniques—The James Bond Lecture Series
This annual lecture series is where students can learn an important skill from the best in the profession.
Faculty:
Indiana Jones: Chair. The most successful adventure historian of all time, Dr. Jones manages to balance his academic career with the practical anthropological, archaeological, and ass-kicking techniques of a true adventure historian.
Mary Kingsley: Extensive traveler of West Africa. Did all that jungle shit in a floor length skirt. That’s badass.
Robert Langdon: Symbologist and part time crime solver. Knows how to get to a library.
Merriwether Lewis and William Clark: The two senior lecturers teach joint classes specializing in the American aspects of adventure history.
Sir Francis Drake: Explorer and general badass. Has the experience and prestige of twenty adventure historians. Specializes in charting the uncharitable.
