SO I JUST ATE A CORN TORTILLA TOASTED WITH MELTED CHOCOLATE CHIPS AND MARSHMALLOWS ON TOP OF IT SO I'M SORRY IF I SEEM A LITTLE DISJOINTED TO YOU BUT IT WILL ALL BE OKAY SOON because I'm about to come off the sugar high and...

...crash.

Yep, there it is. Oof.

Man I just want to eat everything in sight, but apparently not as much as Terrare, the French showman and soldier who was perpetually hungry and, um, ate a cat. Alive. And many, many other gross things.

Wow I want more marshmallows.

But that's not what I brought you here today to talk about.

I came here to talk about Presidents and Mounties.

OH MAN THAT IS THE MOST AWESOME NAME FOR A BAND or BUDDY COP SHOW in the history of forever. That is golden. Presidents and Mounties. It would star Teddy Roosevelt, chomping into a delicious ham, and Superintendent Steele, and maybe John Muir would join them for epic romps. It would be like Due South, only with ham. And possibly a power ballad.

No, wait. Maybe Due South had a power ballad. I DON'T KNOW THESE THINGS.

It did have a wolf as a sidekick. Presidents and Mounties would have a moose. Like so!

I have some friends who say that image is photoshopped, or, more accurately, edited in whatever way they edited photographs back before photoshop existed, with, like, a knife or something. HOT DAMN if that's true I don't know what beauty is anymore.

Still my favorite Colbert line of all time: "If truth is beauty and beauty truth, then America, I look AMAZING tonight! This is the Colbert Report!"

What were we talking about?

Right, marshmallows.

So the clouds today were flipping insane. I came home to greet the plumber and as I was leaving I clearly WALKED INTO THE CAVERN between the high pressure and the low. Everything to the north of me was pitch black with roiling purple clouds and everything south was hazy and bright. As I walked down the street, leaves blew in ominous patterns around my feet and the wind whipped and screamed. An older lady looked at me and said, "Are you ready for what is going to come?" and I couldn't tell if she was talking about the weather or some kind of heinous apocalypse. The way the clouds were looking it honestly could have been either one.

Just as I got to my office building on the seventh story of the 1300 block on the street where the President lives, the heavens opened up and poured down a steamy flood.

And the temperature lowered about 5 degrees. It was so hot.

I think I'm going to do as many push ups as I can.

Okay, I'm back. I did 20. But 15 of them were girly push ups. Maybe I'll be able to do more tomorrow.

Chances are slim, especially if I don't eat quite as much sugar.

I really, really, really want to be on a road trip right now.

Really.

I want to be in a car, a little cabin of me, with some country laid out before me like endless possibility. I want to watch the clouds scoot across the sky. I want to see the weird landmarks that nobody else sees and I want to keep driving until somebody needs a bathroom break. And I want to insist that we keep driving for at least another 50 miles because dammit we're not stopping until we have to.

I want to be listening to music on the radio while we drive in and out of range. I want to hit the scan button and have it come up as country or rap or Lady Gaga or freaking Christian music. And then I want to force everyone in the car to listen to at least one song.

On a side note: here's a fun game when you're listening to Christian music. Choose out the songs that could be about both a) God's infinite love for us and b) awesome gay sex. The current winner: Whatever You're Doing by Sanctus Real.

I get this urge to go on a long car trip whenever I feel bored or trapped or it's summer time and the air smells just right.

I don't need to go anywhere, and I don't need to get out of here so much as I just want to have already gone but not yet have arrived. I want to be on my way. I want to eat a milkshake at some crappy truck stop somewhere and I want to chase a storm and drive through it. I want to go over a pass and see that it's still snowy, I want to have miles and miles and miles of horizon laid out in front of me and have nothing to do but chase it.

I think they call it wanderlust. I think I have it.

I do not have a car. I don't own one partially because I live in a city with pretty awesome public transportation (the Metro: killing on average less than one person a month since last month!) and partially because I'm too much of a hippie environmentalist and partially because I'm afraid I would always be leaving.

Bring it.