Fitocracy, fellowship, stationary cycling to Mordor, etc.

My mind, body, and possibly soul, have been taken over. By Fitocracy. Beautiful, beautiful Fitocracy.*

You can't see it, but I'm actively salivating right now.

It's such a genius system. You do exercises and you get points! And it is super motivating for me for whatever reason. 

Here's my current obsession. We're going to Mount Doom! (Please note: this was originally sent as an email to one Emily "Mac" McC.)

Apparently someone spent way, way, WAY too much time reading Tolkein ("But NO!" you gasp, "it can't be done!") and spent way, way, WAY too much time looking at the map of Middle Earth (I can hear you inhaling to make a point, but hear me out) and managed to calculate the milage that the Fellowship went during each stage of their journey.

Yes. This is apparently a thing.

This week's quest is as follows: 

"The road goes ever on and on..." 

The One Ring has been found and it is up to you and your companions to get it to Mordor and into Mount Doom, a distance of 1560 miles! The Atlas of Middle Earth by Karen Wynn Fonstad breaks down the journey by day. For instance the first week is 135 miles. This continuing quest series will go week by week through the trek to Mount Doom from the Shire. 

[A] Complete the week's distance in combined endurance activities split amongst you and your 8 companions. 
[N] Complete the week's distance in combined endurance activities split amongst you and your 3 short, hairy footed companions. 
[H] Complete the week's distance in combined endurance activities split amongst you and your stalwart gardener companion. 
[H+] Complete the week's distance in combined endurance activities on your own. 

Week 1? I took a spin class. It was one of my less good decisions in life. 

1) Spin bikes are far, far, FAR more complicated than real bikes. If you turn them on, the wheels spin by themselves! and you're not going anywhere!

2) Your foot can come out of the pedals! and the pedals don't stop! Mine didn't, anyway!

3) I. Freaking. Hate. Cardio. (That isn't swing dancing.) For serious. Who thought this was a good idea? I blame Pheddipides. DAMN YOU PHEDDIPIDES FOR INVENTING CARDIO. (I don't actually hate cardio, but it's not my idea of a fun time.)

4) Okay, so you know the saddle of the bike? It gets deeply in touch with some really personal parts of your body. And then also you stand up and sit down while pedaling a bunch of times. And so... I think I'm sore? On my vagina? (I'm sorry you had to read that sentence. So, so sorry.)

5) The other people on Fitocracy really can't figure out what the concept of a "group" is. We had a group. That group had a post/comment thread. We moved it over to the forum. Every Tom, Dick, and Sally are all jumping in on this being like "ooh, I too went several miles today!" and I just want to be all "WHO DIED AND MADE YOU ARAGORN? BACK UP"**

6) This exchange actually totally happened: 

Me: So, how many miles was that that we just did? 
Spin instructor: Wow, I've never had someone ask that before. 
Me: Really? 
SI: Yeah, I know the average calories burned, but no one asks miles... let me check. 
Me: Huh. 
SI: Why do you ask? 
Me: Uh, my friends and I are having a competition. It involves going 135 miles in a week. 
SI: Have you tried running? 
Me: ...Sort of. 
SI: 20 miles. 
Me: YES!! 

So yes, Fitocracy is apparently my friends.

Emily replied:

Oh man.  I'm so glad I couldn't sleep and got my computer back out and that this was here.  Hahahahaha Who died and made you Aragorn hahahahHAHAHAHAHHA.  This is amazing.  (Also?  I'm sorry.  Why would you get out that map and try to calculate mileage?  Like, why wouldn't you just pick an arbitrary number and CALL it the distance to Mount Doom?  I know the answer is "because these are Tolkein fans and it's the Internet and They Will Check Your Math" but also REALLY.)
Dooce has the same complaints about spinning.  Between the two of you I'm quite sure I'll never try it.  Unless possibly the Nazgul were on my tail.

And then I replied to her:

I'm so glad you found this entertaining. Do you know what doesn't find this entertaining and still hurts this morning? ...never mind.
...I just realized this might be going on for as many as ten weeks. I'm going to DIE.
TOLKEIN WHY THE FUCK IS MOUNT DOOM SO FAR AWAY CAN'T IT BE CLOSER PLEASE I'VE GOT SHIT TO DO AND SPIN CLASS IS RIDONK

That first week a user by the name of BioNerd and I went to Mordor together. It was great. We ended up going 136.5 miles together. He was Frodo, I was Sam, and we ended up in Bree with the other revelers.

But it meant a LOT of time on the stationary cycle. And, as Boromir says...

Week 2 I took a bit of a breather and joined a larger fellowship to go to Weathertop. I only had to do about 9 miles walking. This was infinitely easier, but doesn't make for funny stories.

Week 3, our questmaster (ChasingBoston, so-called because he's trying to run a marathon that will qualify him for Boston, etc.) apparently had a really busy week. By Tuesday afternoon, he had not posted an update to the "We're going to Mordor!!!1!" thread. Which was weird, but no matter! I have google fu.

Me: So, um, hi everyone. I don't know what's going on this week (is UCQC having a rest week?), but I looked up the distance from Weathertop to the steep hills of the Trollshaws, and it looks like it's 121 miles for this week. Who's up for another week? 

Everyone: Yaaay

Everyone: logging logging logging

ChasingBoston: Sorry for the huge delay everyone, my week has been completely insane. The One Ring Quests will return on 11/21 with some tweakage. 

BioNerd (remember him?): If you take a look at CB's most recent CON posting, it looks like no journey to Mordor this week, but they resume next week. Which should prove interesting for me as my gym is closed Thursday through Saturday (college campus; Thanksgiving break) and snow plus exercise induced asthma will reduce my outdoor capabilities. Perhaps I will pace in a long hallway...

So Week 3 was called off and the battle for Week 4 was on. Please note, Week 4 was also the week of Thanksgiving. I had to drive 1050 miles from Virginia to Buffalo, NY to Cooperstown, NY and back to Virginia. Although I walked 14.5 miles in addition, it was not quite enough to get my team across the finish line. Also...

A user called Thirteen wandered into our team's thread (remember, our team is kind of an amorphous blob anyway) with the following message:

Thirteen:  You wander past the forge and into the equipment shop, where you're immediately overwhelmed by the smell of leather, oil and some of the stranger reagents from the magical supply section. To your left, you see a small noticeboard. 

>look noticeboard

Yellowing handbills and flyers are held to the board by rough tacks, but most are months, if not years old, the adventurers who posted them doubtless long dead. You notice one newer-looking sheet, painstakingly hand-lettered on red paper, pinned to the far right of the board.

>examine red flyer 

Help Wanted 

We require a honed and well-fettled warrior be to hire on as a mercenary for the week with The Four Apocalyptic Riders of Epic Questing, a legendary band of quasi-anti-heroes set to combat the forces of law and oppression wherever they might be found.We're a rider down due to the holidays, and we can't have an apocalypse without one... 

We'll probably need about 50km from you once the rest of our mileage for tomorrow is added up. 

BioNerd responded:

I like law, but oppose oppression. I should certainly be up to 50km by the end of the day tomorrow, as the stable for my unmoving steed shall be open again, and it looks unlikely that my friends and I will be able to jointly finish this leg as is.

GOD I love fitness nerds. On the other hand, BioNerd was poached! He was wandering up and down a hallway for a team that was not mine! It was a MORDOR FAIL last week and I take my role as Samwise pretty seriously. This week? IT IS ON. Only 92 miles to Rivendell, and I just sent BioNerd a PM asking if he wanted to be the Frodo to my Sam again. (Is that weird? It's maybe a little weird.)

********

So now I have a weekly "My Trip To Mordor" newsletter going out to my friends, trying to recruit them to come with me (and maybe turn them into Fitocracy zombies...). Let's be clear: prior to Fitocracy, I would never have spent any significant time on a stationary cycle. I would never have made it a priority to go to the gym five or six times a week. And I certainly wouldn't be planning really intense workouts using major lifts just so I could level up faster.
This is all thanks to Brian Wang and Dick Talens,*** a couple of gamer nerds (with HILARIOUS NAMES) turned body builders:

Brian Wang and Dick Talens, ladies and gents. Try to contain yourselves.

In conclusion, THANK YOU, FITOCRACY. I realize this entire entry might be impossible to parse for someone who has not heard me waxing on and on about it, but yes. There it is.

* What is Fitocracy? you ask. Join first, ask questions later.
**Please note, I'm not usually this violent, except after weight lifting when I decide I want to punch a mountain. Also, I didn't understand our group's purpose on Week 1, which was to log our activities and then shake out the group makeup based on performance. Nobody was doing anything wrong, but me being angry is hilarious, so I kept it in.

***And the rest of the Fitocracy team. I love you all.